Resident Evil 4 Without The Pixels

Money Doesn't Buy Happiness? Really? Cause It Buys A Wave Runner

I'm a date guy. Blind dates. Dates the food (Be careful of this one though cause Indiana Jones almost died from a poisoned one), dates for movies. I didn't ask what SEASON the Avengers comes out IMDB! I want a date. RELEASE date. Not "Summer 2011". Give me something concrete to look forward to. So here we go, I'm laying some concrete for you guys. Here's the actual dates that some big games come out in 2011. Save your dollas.

Lord of the Rings: War in the North--Aug 24 (Xbox & PS3)

Madden 12--Aug 30 (Everything)

Dead Island--Sept. 6 (PS3 & Xbox)

Resistance 3--Sept. 6 (PS3)

Gears Of War 3--Sept 20 (Xbox)

Rage--Oct. 4 (PS3 & Xbox)

Twisted Metal--Oct 4 (PS3)

Batman: Arkham City--Oct. 18 (Xbox & PS3)

Battlefield 3--Oct 25 (Xbox & PS3)

Uncharted 3--Nov. 1 (PS3)

Modern Warfare 3--Nov 8 (Xbox & PS3)

Assassins Creed: Revelations--Nov 15 (Xbox & PS3)

Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City--Dec 31 (PS3 & Xbox)

Bioshock Infinite--Dec 31 (Xbox & PS3)

Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword--Winter 2011! cmon Nintendo! (Wii)

Grand total of....$890.00. Ya know, plus tax.

Zombie With No Conscience: A Continued Retrospect of a Retrospect

Shane's #4: Left 4 Dead

First things first, I'll eat your brains. Them Imma start rocking gold teeth and fangs, cause that's what a motherfucking monster do.


The game all of us were waiting for, but didn't know it.  Valve made a game that I will probably still play 10 years from now. Who am I kidding, I'll be playing the new greatest thing. But still, I'll probably still play this game next year, which is saying a lot, considering it came out 3 or 4 years ago.  I've only done that with 2 other games: Halo CE and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, of course.

Left 4 Dead kick-started the co-op survival game craze.  It realized many of our dreams: a zombie apocalypse with automatic weapons, ammo, and gasoline cans littered strategically across the land; the backstabbing of friends, without the realpercussions (real life repercussions. I'm rebuilding the english language); and starting fires without realpercussions.  In fact, I think the absence of realpercussions in video games in general is what makes them appealing.  I mean, you may get obese, develop diabetes, and get depressed. But that's a poor price to pay for creating worlds,  destroying cities, and being the hero or antihero of every story. And things like that. Video games are all about God-complexes, probably.  Naturally, I don't support many things video games shamelessly promote in real life, due to the realpercussions. God Complexes are ok I guess. THAT'S THUG LIFE

Left 4 Dead will always hold a special place in my heart. Right in between World War Z and Tale of Two Cities.

Hold Me

And I'd have given anything

to have my own PacMan game at home.

I used to have to get a ride down to the arcade;

Now I've got it on my phone.

Brad Paisley

Handheld games used to be grey blocks stuffed with a cartridge that took you away from 3rd grade math to pixelated mario avoiding goombas or turtles whapping mousers. How many times did I clean my room after I got my gameboy? Well, technically my room got clean and my closet became filthy. Things have evolved. We get it Mark Willis, you had the Pac Man pattern memorized because it was 1970 something. Apparently you and Paisley have PacMan obsessions. If you were real men you'd be obsessed with MISS PacMan. I don't think her and PacMan were exclusive. Tell you one thing, that games story line was BOGUS.

I didn't grow up in a generation that had two white paddles and a blinking white dot. I had a gameboy and a color gameboy. My best friend had a game gear. Us poor folks couldn't afford fancy SEGA handhelds. It melted my brain watching him play sonic on that small screen. The lava looked so real! Now however, in the words of the seer, Brad Paisley, I've got it on my phone. I have Sonic 1 and Sonic 2 on my phone. I have Resident Evil 4, Street Fighter 4, Streets of Rage and PacMan in my pocket. Their little icons right next to ESPN Radio and my Phone and Camera Apps. I've grown so demanding and particular now. When are they gonna upgrade Street of Rage to retina display!? All these pixels are bull shit! But in all honesty, it knocks me on my ass sometimes. On my breaks at work I'm playing angry birds and tiny wings, obsessively smoking and cursing those damn birds. Those boomerang birds are hard as shit to use. My phone is lighting up all day with game notifications. Your move in words with friends! Your move in Hanging with friends! Who beat my top score in Fruit Ninja!? Damn it! On my days off I'm exhausted from answering all these game push notifications. I was playing LA Noire earlier, which I finally beat, and was literally playing words during the cut scenes. Played JEED for 64 points?! What the hell is JEED? The messaging service for these games also cuts back on texting because I just carry conversations in app. I love my DS and I've loved all my handhelds over the years but moving gaming to phones is brilliant when done properly. I support igaming (trademark Apple!) but lets not forget that just because you HAVE brickbreaker doesn't give you the right to play it during board meetings. Remember how blessed we are, my friends, to live in an age where we can be constantly entertained and mind blown by a medium that 50 years ago was only in the minds of H.G. Wells and Huxley.

E3 Highlights

Left 4 Dead Rising In the Borderlands AKA Dead Island

The Bull Dawg

Pizza Power!

Shane's # 5, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: HYPERSTONE HEIST!

Again, amazing memories with this game. I do remember getting angry when my friend would take all the pizza power before I could get some.  First, my parents never feed me, and then, my buddy takes whatever semblance of sustenance I could gain. That used to piss me off so much!  Even more than people choosing to sit in the table RIGHT next to me, when EVERY, OTHER, TABLE, in my hip coffee shop is open.  I feel like there are less excuses for that, than like, I don't know, Idi Amin waging war on his own country.  Too soon?

Decent game. Good enough for me to download on my xbox 360 and play for hours.  That's how lame I am. I think it's fun to imagine the pitch for even creating the whole Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle concept.  "It's like, they're turtles, but they're BAD ASS turtles, with attitudes and black belts. They love pizza too. Kids will love this shit."  Weird, but they were right.

Six Six Six

A continuation of commentary on Mr. Holtzman's Top 10 favorite games...

Medal of Honor

Mm... Medal of Honor.  It ushered in the golden era of World War Dos first person shooters.  Without it, we wouldn't have Medal of Honor: Underground, Medal of Honor: Frontline, Medal of Honor: Rising Sun, Medal of Honor: European Assault, Medal of Honor: Vanguard, Medal of Honor: Airborne, Medal of Honor: Heroes 2, and Medal of Honor, the self-titled sequel. Oh and the Call of Duty and Battlefield franchises. EA sure knows how to make a buck.  All part of the military industrial complex, I suppose.

Back when I used to rent games that my parents wouldn't let me buy, this was the ticket. It had the smartest AI I had ever seen.  These guys would actually fall on grenades to save their nazi asshole friends.  Effective?  Sort of.  Cool? Definitely. What was that? A GERMAN hand grenade?  Throw that shit, ah that guy's toast.  Wait, what's he doing.. WHAAT?? He threw it back at me? All these things were unheard of, AI speaking.  What else would I be talking about anyway.

I basically learned all my espionage skills, as well as the German language, from this game.  Achtung!, Dah, Nyet, Hasta La Vista Baby!

Honk If You Want Blake Griffin In RAGE

Now this is how you do a teaser for a game. Yea, I'm talking to you MW3.

Batman Meets Metallica

Powerglove covers original score for Batman the Animated Series and in Batman and Batman Returns. Kick ass.

Dear Darwin: I Read Your Book

Apparently Howard Stern believes that gamers are the pitfall of society. They are the soft underbelly and the degradation of further generations who would read instead of gaming. We are what is wrong with America. Yes, Howard Stern says gamers are what is wrong with America. Not washed up disc jockies who got famous by telling big breasted women to lick chocolate off a banana. Clearly Xbox is more brainless. If you want to make fun of gamers, do it right. Name your episode "Make Love Not Warcraft" and actually learn something about the game. Stern is using selective reporting. Taking one geek from a convention who jacks off to 90's Laura Croft video games and then applying the individuals thoughts and problems to an entire group of people. Selective reporting to prove an overarching theme. Two people got sick at McDonalds? Let's declare the quarter pounder a public hazard! There are a myriad of things to mock about gamers that are overwhelmingly true but don't condemn a group based on 1 test subject.

Elaine: So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?

Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

Here's Howard Stern:

http://www.gameinformer.com/b/news/archive/2011/05/12/howard-stern-mocks-video-game-convention-attendees.aspx

Super #7

Shane's Number 7, Super Mario Galaxy!

This is the definitive Mario game.  I'll disregard that the co-op is about as useful as using the natural birth control method, let's not kid ourselves. Still, the game is good enough to keep you off the streets and in your cool basement all summer long, where you can't hear the gunshots.  The only thing that bothered me about this masterful game was the boss battle in which our fearless plumber swings various balls around and annihilates Bouldergeist's hanging testicle. What was that about?

I take no issue with this being included in anyone's top ten!

jiggly PUFF

Shane's #8: Super Smash Brothers: Melee!


Smash hit!!! Super Smash Brothers was the definitive fighter, surpassing Tekken 5 as the deepest and most realistic fighter ever made.  In retrospect, I'd like to recall the 5 most annoying things about the game.

5. KO'ing the wrong Ice Climber.  Hahaha take that! What???  SHIT!!

4. Falcon PWAH!!

3. Pika CHU lightning strike and the DK Rumble

2. That goddam level with the floating ships

1. Alright, pokeball!  Eat THIS!  wait... Is that a fucking GOLDFISH???

Numbah 9, Numbah 9

Shane's #9: The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker

Yea, I played Wind Waker.  In fact, it was the first Zelda game I played, outside of Legend of Zelda: Links Awakening for Game Boy Color, which I don't think should count.  My alcoholic father didn't like it and flushed it down the toilet. And to be honest, I didn't even beat Wind Waker.  You know, saying I didn't beat the game isn't accurate. The ocean treasure hunt beat ME.  I wasn't like some people, who fearlessly bought the strategy guide and courageously tracked down each treasure, using detailed full color maps, step by step instructions, and their motherfucking Garmin. So I wasn't Megellan, and my parents didn't coddle me, but hey, at least I wasn't that phony survivalist on Man vs Wild, sleeping in hotel rooms while supposedly living off the land and fighting off the elements.  What a bitch. 

Again, this game wouldn't make my eclectic Top Ten. But, the game was good and a staple of the summer of Oh-1. If had played Ocarina of Time, I think I would have argued that game was much better.  In fact, I might still go back and play it. I prefer The Twilight Princess to Wind Waker, but it's probably only because it was easier to beat.  Hell of a lot of fun though.  I used to get a six pack of smiernoffs and a little caesars pizza and spend the night playing that game. Well the first part of the night.

This Should Buy Me Some Time

Here I present my selective criticism and commentary on Mr. Holtzman's prosaic presentation of his favorite games of all time.  Starting with his number 10: POKEMON!

I chose Blue, for the record. And fuck Pokemon Cards!

Pokemon, wow.  This game came out when I was in 5th grade, I think.  Back then, I was rocking the original game boy, while the Lord had blessed many of my friends with rich parents who bought them game boy colors  (Can you believe it, COLOR in a hand held game system!).  Manna from motherfucking heaven I tell you.  It's too bad my Dad gambled away all my family's money. I remember going through the sunday best buy target walmart adds, drooling at the Color in it's comic sans font. Goddam COLOR! I eventually got one. But I digress. On second thought, that seemed like progress.

Pokemon was my first experience with a game that was truly addicting.  I remember trying to going to bed after my first day with the game. Emphasis on trying. I also recall waking up at 2 AM and going to the bathroom.  I remember thinking I heard the Pokemon music, and thinking the game was in my hand. It took me a second to realize I was pissing on the seat.  That's what gaming is all about.  I think. 

But in all seriousness, I would not include Pokemon in my top ten favs. That said, Pokemon was my generation's gateway drug, an introduction to addictive and immersive gameplay.   A mixture of Zelda and Final Fantasy and Tomogatchi, it set the tone for the gaming life of many. 

LA Noire Is 3 Discs

3 discs! Of course that's only for 360. PS3 will just roll it off the line on one single blu-ray. If you are abnormally lazy, get the PS3 version. If you don't mind switching disks a couple...3 times than the 360 version will do. Plus, I like feeling how heavy the game box will be when I buy it. Weight means legit. Just look at Orpah.

LA Noire: Yes, This Is In-Game Footage

In The Year 2000!

Thanks for sticking with me for my top ten. If SPIN did top ten's in the amount of time it took me they'd be a yearly publication. Which I would support. Actually, I'd support them being a decade publication. Axe to grind? Yep, sure do. "Radiohead's new album has enough bleeps and blips too cause pandemonium in your heart." See, I could write for them. Just read every article in a British accent because that's how I imagine them all sounding.

Upcoming is an article about the history of Resident Evil. I'm currently playing through all the games. Well, correction, my brotha Chris is playing and I'm watching and taking notes. As soon as I get through the series I'll publish the article. Also, I'll be giving a review of LA Noire and most likely do a piece on Peyton Hillis gracing the cover of Madden 12. My eyes tear up just thinking about it. I believe The Trooper will also be back at the typewriter. Or, his Mac. Go Brownies!

1. Resident Evil 4

Most of the time the original is the best. Dumb and Dumber and Homeward Bound didn't need seconds! Give me a break Nickleback...you made Silver Side Up, quit "remaking" it. They recently released Titanic 2. Now, perhaps I didn't quite grasp the first one but I'm fairly certain the damage was catastrophic. However, as Scream 2 is kind enough to point out, there are the occasional blips in the radar that make certainties impossible. ALIENS and T2 are both better than the original (in my well researched aka I've seen them both opinion). Maybe James Cameron takes what is good from the originals, splices in what is missing slaps some new computer graphics on it and BAM, the conundrum of the superior sequel is born. Or maybe people just steal ideas and make lesser versions to scrape up some cash or recognition. JET took Iggy Pop's riff from Lust For Life and altered it enough to make it Are You Gonna Be My Girl. And Vanilla Ice was like "I added a DA" to Queens Under Pressure to make Ice Ice Baby. Why are they suing me? Didn't they here the extra DA? Sure, JET and Vanilla Ice's songs are catchy but are they as good? Are seconds or thirds really ever better? Yes, they are. Resident Evil 4 makes this point playable!

From Raccoon city and a mansion with more puzzles than an Indiana Jones movie to mowing through Africans with molotov's (apparently zombies have come a long way, remember when they couldn't figure out stairs?) Resident Evil has kept moving forward. Every new addition in the series sharpened the gameplay and pushed the story and the suspense and action. Resident Evil 4 is no different, except it took a leap into making the zombies more modern "infected". While many fans may have considered this sacrilege I came at the series from a new perspective. I grew up with a blue hedgehog and world war 2 games so when I played Resident Evil 4 on gamecube I was blown away. I had no bias about the series being raped or a jaded view of where I thought Capcom should take the game; I just played. The laser site of my pistol took that first zombies head off in the cabin. BLAM. Eat shit you undead farming bitch. Bear traps outside in the woods scaring the hell out of me when they chomped on my leg. Resident Evil 4 took the horror aspects from the first 3 games, vamped up the boss battles, dropped the ink ribbons (we will prolly have to find thumb drives in 6) and had a weird cloaked guy sell you guns and ammo. Welcome, Straaaaanger. Dude, we just met like and hour ago. I was the one who bought the rocket launcher. How do you not recall that?

In my eyes, 4 has everything I want in a game; it has violence, story, simple puzzles, collecting, upgrading and of course the undead...er...infected. It's not too hard but not too easy. I love being able to upgrade my guns so when I hear the cry of "erustedo!" from these Grapes Of Wrath zombies, I can blow two of them away at once.

I support open world games like Borderlands and Fallout. I will give Mass Effect props even though I don't care for it. But my ideal game is one that pushes me forward, hints at doors but doesn't open them. Points to enemies but doesn't tell me how to kill them. Has cut scenes but doesn't lose me. I don't need to wander all over the goddam desert or Liberty City to get my kicks. Just give me a gun and some zombies and an extra clip.

2. Halo: Combat Evolved

Slayer. This is a game about skill. This is a game about savvy. This is a game about memorizing every gun and health location. This is a game about dexterity and reflexes. This is a game that pumps you full of caffeine and sugar until your eyes are so red rimmed from lack of sleep your parents think you're a drug addict, which you are. This is not a game...it's HALO.

That was what the trailer for HALO:CE should've sounded like. All recorded in the deep, movie guy voice. AND THEN THERE WAS ONE (aaaaa aaaa oooo... ahhhh ahhh aaa) MASTER CHIEF. I know what WOW fans feel like, minus the shyness bordering on paralysis and the carpal tunnel from mashing Z to kill goats in the forrest. YES, 10 XP! This game was my first addiction. Now it's smoking. Man, If HALO would've been multiplayer online I might not have lung cancer in 30 years. But I had to start something to fill the void! Actually, I think I already said another game was my first addiction. Pokemon I think. Well, this was my more adult fix. It's like graduating from weed to cocaine. Life just forces you to grow up.

HALO had pristine graphics, tight gameplay, a controller setup that has been copied by every FPS since and an iconic character. It took things we know (aliens, sniper rifles, vehicles) and shifted them into perfection. Who is more important? The person who does it first or the person who perfects it? Halo might be both. Yes, I realize they did not invent the FPS but they said, "OK, let's class this up. Let's throw out the Natural Light and get some Heineken." And once you started playing you were like those guys in the Heineken commercial screaming like ladies because they had a cooler full of ALL Heineken.

Let me go ahead and name all the HALO multiplayer maps without Googling. Ahem. Chill Out. Sidewinder. Bloodgulch. Rat Race. Battle Creek. Prisoner. Hang Em High. Derelict. Wizard. Longest. Chiron. Boarding Action. OK, FINE! I googled Boarding Action! But c'mon, did anyone ever play that board. Oh, great, I got spawn raped. Awesome. Love this map.

Almost everyone had their speciality, despite their skill level. I was run and gun. Give me an assault rifle, grenades and a shotgun and I'll shoot melee my way to 25 kills and 25 deaths. I was a liability. There was always a friend who would only snipe. He'd stalk the invisibility and crouch behind the cement blocks on Hang Em High. You'd see your body go limp and hear a snicker from across the room. TIM! You fucking screen looker. I was crouched in the passageway with an overshield. You couldn't have known. No way! Then an outline of Master Chief would be humping your body.

One friend just railed off clips of the pistol from one end of Bloodgulch to the other and still killed you. 3 shots...dead! Then there were your campers. I like to refer to them as Opham from Saving Private Ryan. You're getting stabbed in the chest by a pissed of German with no machine gun rounds and Opham is downstairs talking to himself. There were vehicle whores and sticky experts and people who constantly boasted about their 15 rocket launcher kills. I have never used nor heard the phrase "no way" more often than in my HALO LAN parties. "How did I...with invisibility...NO WAY". Campaign Co-Op, a gritty, exciting and addictive multiplayer helped prop xbox up on its wobbly legs and pull Microsofts chestnuts out of the fire. Master Chief should be their CEO. Those board meetings would be intimidating. Game Over.

Much love to The Trooper for the vid.

3. Bioshock

Welcome To Rapture. Would you kindly read my opinion?

This game is the definition of what video games can and should be. Art. The story line is literary and bloody. Sweet and savage. Fraught with moral turmoil and hero vs. villain battles. But who is the villain? Is it always that cut and dry? You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I believe in Harvey Dent. Would you kindly believe, too?

You see the deep aquatic landscapes behind dirty glass and twist between barren and lush environments. Pushed on by Atlas. Kill Ryan. Andrew Ryan. You control bees. You have a shotgun. You control ice and fire. You wail at Splicers with a wrench or shock them in puddles of water. But politely guided. Politely pushed. Be free and make decisions. I'm telling you to. Would you kindly kill everyone in your way?

Little sisters infuriate or soothe your hands. Turn them into a slug so you can be more powerful or save them and suffer the consequences at the point of the Big Daddy's drill. How big is your heart or how empty your soul?

This game had me climbing a ledge. Scaling to get a better view because I was certain there was something beautiful to see at the top. Atlas told me so. But right before you grasp that last last overhang and pull yourself to the peak, you get a sinking feeling that maybe you weren't right. Maybe things aren't what they appear. And that's when your legs give out and Rapture leads to enlightened. Don't be overly certain lest you have the rug pulled from beneath your feet. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this isn't art. Maybe it's not even a decent video game. But before you make a judgement, play the whole game. Listen to the violin play your sick eulogy. Would you kindly?

4. Left 4 Dead

I hate forests. I hate trains. I hate zombies. Yea, well Francis, I don't hate them. As my top 5 will show I am quite partial to flesh eaters and brain dead shufflers. Blowing off limbs, cursing seemingly erratic horde charges, ingesting entire bottles of pain pills (which apparently just make you run fast) and carrying red gas cans to strategically hit the Z's where it hurts most...the brain.

Bill was my vicarious avatar to stalk the walking dead streets in Left 4 Dead. I walked the sewers and the streets and the rooftops with that old, crotchety man painting walls brain colors and jamming LT furiously to get out of jams. One tip for the inexperienced player...MELEE. Unfortunately it's not as "convenient" as Modern Warfare 2 where someone is sniping me from an abandoned garage and then all of a sudden are sticking a knife in my chest. OK, Infinity Ward, that's not a "perk", that's fucking infuriating. Commando ability my ass. Point is, flailing your gun while those grey celled monsters are swarming you and Luis is having a tea party with Zoe and Francis is too busy hatin to help you detach some limbs, is the best way to get out of a tight spot. Also, it puts you in a spot where your stomach is clinched and if you weren't on your fake leather sofa playing you'd be shitting your pants. I'd never really felt that way playing a video game before. Sure, the Resident Evil's are creepy and Dr. Eggman from sonic always scared me as a kid (damn him and his molester mustache), but I'd never clinched. When I popped this disc in during one of my breaks in college (and by breaks I mean skipping Sociology, like anyone gives a shit) to play this, the first time the tiny horn sounds like a retreat call on a Civil War battlefield, and all those zombies coming sprinting and shambling down the halls of a decrepit house, I turned to my friend and was like, "We're fucked. There's no way out!" But he snapped me out of it Patton style, "Get your head out of your ass, soldier, and pour it into em!" We pump action shot gunned that horde and I've never looked back. Claw your way to the red door safe rooms. Make last stands in the corn field with only dual pistols left, your other guns smoking and empty. Light the Witch Bitch on fire and let her scream. Read the writing on the walls (Entire city is gone. If you can read this...LEAVE!) Let the yellow burst of your gun blowing out rounds guide you. It's always 8:24 according to the clock in the first house. That's when the Zombie Apocalypse starts! There is no cure. There is no escape. There is only getting past the wretches of Boomers to a loading screen where you see Louis only managed to nix 25 Z's. Total.

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Hyperstone Heist

My favorite beat em up. Sure, Streets of Rage has some banging 80's music and a black guy who's not a criminal (thank-you for racial equality Streets of Rage) but Hyperstone made me a fan of mindless violence. The Turtles say stay away from drugs kids...but kick the shit out of people dressed in bright colors. I remember an afternoon of jump kicking red foot soldiers in the sewers (YAH) and smashing mousers before the big Krang battle (YAH) and watching my bright purple donatello bars fading after that blue el camino runs me over in the first level. Rookie mistake. You go from New York to a pirate ship to a cave with yellow ALIEN clones leaping from blue water to a giant lab where mousers jump directly off the assembly line to kick ass. Quick offshoot...has anyone seen Alien 3 where they are in the prison? Who designed the computer CG ALIEN for that movie? Prolly the same guy who did the "Freddy Kruger is coming through the wall" scene in the new Nightmare. Zing!

Sometimes I go back to games for pure nostalgia, not because the game is any good (Mario Party). Other times I blow out the cartridge and jam it in the slot so I can say "Ah, don't make them like they used to, sonny jim" (Sonic 2). Or sometimes my best friend wants to see how fast we can beat Super C. Jump up and give those owls a piece! And then there are new millenium games that make my grandpa think he's watching real NBA basketball. Yes, Grandpa, I know that majority of players in basketball are black. No, I wouldn't call it a "shame". But what brings me back to games like Hyperstone are simplicity, characters, tight gameplay and only two buttons I need to worry about. Is it RB for block or..wait, dude quit freezing me...Jesus which trigger is grapple!...oh great, pulled my spine out. Real cool, Subzero. God Bless Hyperstone and its jump and punch. Enjoy the first level.

6. Medal Of Honor

The M1 Garand. The pixelated bazooka. Some pistol I never used. Germans in their beige and hunter green uniforms rolling on the ground and casually talking around an exploding barrel. Convenient. I'd always try to sneak up and aim my shaky reticle at their heads. Their helmets must be made of lead cause head shots just popped their helmets off then you had a swarm of Nazis clamoring. Ein ven slauter von mein! Grenade. Boom. The bodies went flying. Blew my mind apart. The body movements and contortion in Medal Of Honor was the first time a video game experience seemed real. Like I could feel the warm barrel of my Garand or hear the ringing in my ears and the clink of bullets spewing from a mounted machine gun. It became real. Close to real. Even those doctors who were building some rocket ship in the mountains seemed real. Find 5 schematics. OK, 5 schematics found, now blow the shit out of that rocket. That was the plan! Blow the rocket up? Why did I spend so much time and hear the tape rip on multiple med packs to find those schematics! Not to demean Duke Nukem (although it looked like a child with a crayon drew the environments) or any other FPS that preceded Medal of Honor, but this set the standard. Sure, it's wallowing in the market where Black Ops and MW2 are flash banging their way to popularity. That drum line to start a mission is my real FPS anthem! Duh da da DUH. This Snipers got talent! Oscar Mike! I love the smell of napalm in the morning! Sorry, war flashbacks. Stay Frosty.

Sex, Lies, and Vanilla Coke: An Interlude

I'm not Shane.  You can call me The Trooper. And I have to get something off my chest, in light of recent criticism of a variety of things close to me. 

I believe that critical evaluations, particularly of art, are founded on a variety of factors, preeminently taste and preference. In other words, every value judgement is subject to the preference of the judge on some level or another.  Don't write me off as a post-modernist just yet.  Not that anything is wrong with that. 

Too often, we label art, in its various forms, as either good or bad. We conclude that those who cherish what we disregard are either wrong, stupid, or both. However, art isn't a math equation, with right or wrong answers that can be proved or disproved. Or is that geometry.  I guess it's all math. I'm sure there are some of you out there who could dispute that analogy, but you guys need to get a life. 

It seems to me that different people appreciate and relate to different things in different ways, according to their age, race, resources, etc.  What's beautiful or useful to one person, is ugly or useless to another.  Different hoes for different bros, as some say. 

While this is particulary true of tastes in music and women, I think it is also applicable to the world of video games. For example: you can't prove to me that Super Mario Bros for NES is the best game of all time. I can't prove it isn't. You can certainly believe it is, based on it's originality, innovation, and influence.  Conversely,  I can believe it isn't, based on the evolution in gameplay and advancement in technology since then. It comes down to what each of us values. Subsequently, I simultaneously reject absolute truth in regard to art evaluation, and champion the wild world of relativism. I made quite a leap there in the structure of my argument, but I'm honestly tired of proving what I'm saying.  You should just see what I'm saying and think I'm right.  

Anyway, I think it's important to understand that lists and value judgements, particularly as sweeping as "Best _____ of all time," are inherently subjective. So get off your  high horse, unless you're trying to be arrogant.  Then it's ok.  And no, this does not apply to pop.  Coke is better than fucking Pepsi.  Let's not get carried away with this. I mean, have you TRIED Vanilla Coke?

7. Super Mario Galaxy

A lot of things can be debated. What is Dio's best song? Holy Diver or Rainbow In The Dark? (Uh, Rainbow In The Dark). Is Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels better than Snatch? (They seem oddly similar in plot. Hmm). Is Lebron as good as Michael Jor...hahahaha...ok, bad example. Point is, things can be compared. That's mostly what culture does for us. Culture filters out some options and bombards us with others. Thanks Bud Light, we get it, you make beer and I should drink it. Let me watch more than the opening kickoff before a commercial break. Fuck.

But sometimes items and characters and experiences are not going to be debated. They will be accepted. Like Hey Jude or hamburgers. Mario is that good. He's a mustached icon bigger than Burt Reynolds and his games are always excellent. This one topped them all. First time I walked on that opening grass covered planet and saw the mechanics and camera view that all shifted so smoothly, I was stunned. Hadn't even gotten my first star. Some games can't get camera angle right if you're just walking straight (Turok) or swimming (every game ever) much less jumping from planet to planet. This games colors were vivid, levels were varied and fresh and even the motion controls didn't gum up the works. My blue dot would just be blurring across the screen when I got shot out of a star. STAR BITS! NUM NUM NUM. I got every star. Finished it again with Luigi just for kicks. And even played that Luigi shaped planet with all the purple coins twice. You'd get the rhythm of that down, jumping from flip panel to vanishing panel. Should I have jumped there? Gotta backtrack sooner or later. LONG JUMP.....Nailed it. You'd be flowing through that. Kanye flowing to a beat..Too many Urkels on your team that's why you're...and then someone walks in front of the screen and you're wallowing in black muck. MOM!

8. Super Smash Bros Melee

Game Informer has a poll on their site asking what everyone's favorite fighting game is. Super Smash received the majority vote. Guess I never thought about Super Smash as a fighting game. Guess the SMASH in the title didn't clue me in. But it beat out both Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat by 10%. Personally I'd like to see a melange. Scorpion shooting that knife on a rope at bowser and pulling out his dinosaur spine. Perchance to dream. My personal favorite was Melee for gamecube. I even played the single player for it. Bet you didn't know/care if it had a single player did you. Thats prolly because it amounted to Yoshi trying to kick a bag of sand 2,000 feet and kirby busting a certain number of signs to move on to the next level. But it seemed to be worth the tedious task of beating first player to open up Jiggly Puff...until you played with Jiggly Puff. You could lull people to sleep and then mash A and kick them into oblivion.

I can see why it's voted most popular fighter though. The variety in this game seemed more complex than other games. It wasn't just block, jump and up up A down A B to bring the ice storm. You could fuck people over. Create random alliances and then stab your partner in the back. As Young Link I'd be all over the board. Dropping bombs, slicing, dicing and praying for good pokeballs. Some people took Falcon to a corner, powered up his fire punch and then FALCON PUNCHED (Falc...Falcon...Falcon PUNCH) some poor ice climber ass hole off the board. You could be heroic or diabolic. You could wait by the edge of Green Green and DOWN B with pickachu so no one could get back on the board. That goddam lightning bolt. Or DOWN B with Donkey Kong and pound the ground for ten minutes. I'd have to sit on the other side of Hyrule and try to shoot arrows to stop the pounding. Everyone has their characters in fighting games. But with Super Smash we were playing violent with otherwise seemingly harmless characters. And once that hammer drops from the sky, time freezes, you watch it cartwheel down, then slowly Link, Kirby, Luigi and Ganandorf all sprint to it forgetting to fight each other. Then you finally grab the hammer! Everyone is already at 90%! They're as good as...shit, the top of the hammer fell off.

9. The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker

This is suicide. But I don't care. If Cosmo has taught me nothing else...ahem... it's taught me to do countdowns in reverse. That way people will read about fucking Michael Cera instead of just seeing Brad Pitt is first and moving on. I'm not sure what list those two guys would be on together. Guess I'll have to pick up and Teen Vogue and see. Gamers are too busy humping Ocarina Of Time to give a shout out to any other Zelda games, especially ones where he's a kid and looks like Disney designed the environments. I guess I'm not a normal Zelda fan. I loved the cell shading. Sure, Twilight Princess was good but something about Windwaker made it exceedingly more fun. It wasn't the sailing. When you have to look for those 8 shards I wanted to smash my controller through tiny links skull. But the environments were pristine and vivid and interacted great. When I could run and suddenly halt on the beach and see sand spray or shoot arrows at the orange crabs and watch them burrow, thats when I saw where games were headed. It was complete immersion. I'd blot out time and forget about my soda condensing on the nightstand. Fighting pirates from my little boat or getting sucked up in the hurricanes or wondering how the hell I was supposed to be those screaming skeletons. I was engulfed in giant rats with rusty sabers and venus fly traps that could be taken out with one good boomerang lock on. Ocarina of Time may be one of the defining gems in the video game cannon but Windwaker was a defining game in a childhood.

10. Pokemon (Red and Blue)

I picked Bulbasaur. I'll just get that out of the way first so you can judge where my Pokemon experience went from there. In that little room, picking between three pokeballs. Fire. Water. Earth? I guess I picked earth, or plants or whatever Bulbasaur was supposed to be. Apart from Oreo's, this was my first addiction as a human being. I don't think breast milk counts as an addiction. And I think this is also the only catch phrase invented that was actually true! You did have to catch them all. No matter how many goddam times you had to walk in the safari zone praying to stumble on a Kangaskhan. The little screen would blur to black and the music would start pumping. You ran into a pokemon! Oh God please, this one time let it be...fuck! Rattata again! Then you straight up killed him out of spite.

The open-world gameplay elements were phenomenal. Steadily pushing you forward with Team Rocket Battles and gyms to conquer but also allowing leeway to explore tall grass and get lost in the blue caves. Or swim out in the ocean and run into a million goldeens. This was the first game where I was forced to make choices. Should I save my ultra ball? Should I feel bad for team rocket? Should I evolve my pokemon? Should I save or destroy? The game offered you the questions and it wasn't until after that you realized the consequences. After living on Sonic side scrollers and bash bash bash of Street Fighter, it was a whole new world to be able to decide fates of characters. Cause really, everyone knows whats going to happen if you fight someone who is good with Dhalsim. You're toast.

Hi. My Name Is Shane and I Like Sega Genesis.

Possessions can tell me what's important. If I'm at a new girlfriends house for the first time and see her DVD collection consists of 5 movies, 3 of which are the Pirates of the Caribbean "trilogy", it's a safe bet to say I won't be buying her a promise ring. What people find important is often attached and more accurately displayed through the things they spend money on and revere. While lists can be trite, they can also help show what people find most important. Numbers don't lie. Unless gravity shifts then numbers can be a little sketchy. Here's another top 10 video game list and guess what...there is no 2d mario on it. Eat shit Game Informer. OK, maybe I just played through Mario 3 a week ago but only because I wanted to be raccoon Mario. I'd like to visit Japan to see if there is some weird raccoon genus that can fly cause here in Merica, our raccoons eat out of the garbage and keep all four feet on the amber waves of grain. Top 10 starts now.

SRH